Mood: flustered
Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever To Tell

Today I'm pretending this is a LiveJournal entry. There are three fields that really bother me about LiveJournal: mood, music, and body. But aside from that, I think LiveJournal is okay. Why does it seem like everyone on LiveJournal is a girl? Maybe it's because they can be all moody and it doesn't really matter because it's not a real feeling because they are just selecting emoticons. Ok, I don't mind the music field too much because it's cool to see what other people are listening too, but all too often it's some shitty stuff that I couldn't careless about. And finally, the content of LiveJournals always seeem to bitch about something and sometimes the content doesn't even match the "mood" listed. At any rate, today I'm temporarily transforming drops of drivel into a LiveJournal. Yes, I already have "mood" and "music" listed above. Now it's time for a bitchy, moody post (even though I said I wouldn't use my blog for this again, but it's not my fault because daily drivel is down again!!).

I had a difficult time deciding what the fuck I wanted to play. I searched through my mp3s and I wanted something very angry, something that would kick me in the stomach and knock the wind out of me. First I tried Franz Ferdinand, but it didn't quite do it for me. I contemplated Green Day, but thought better of it because I wasn't having one of those teenage angst days. Then I tried Metric and it almost worked. Sometimes I wished I had more Ramones songs. Anyway, I settled on Yeah Yeah Yeahs because Karen O's yelling verbalizes how I feel at this time.

There's a sort of anger and frustration that's sneaking up from behind and waiting to ambush me. I guess it all started this year. New Year's Eve to be exact. New Year's Eve set off a whole chain of events leading to many ups and downs. It's like an unstable oscillation with the eigenvalues in the right-half plane. The oscillations start small, but they grow exponentially over time, eventually reaching infinite amplitudes. Now I'm talking gibberish. What I mean is that once emotions get involved, good things seem double plus good and bad things seem double plus ungood. There is an amplification of the true emotions involved. And though it can feel good at the crest, being in the trough can feel drowning.

For the past few years, I've been getting better and better at managing my emotions. It was like I could flick a switch and feel happy, or contemplative, or very rarely I could feel sad. I felt happier, but I don't know if it was because I duped myself into thinking I really was or if I was truly happy. I had lost spontaneity and enthusiasm in the process. I was losing my passion for everything because I was in control of it all. There was nothing that I could get truly excited about. I could tell myself I should be happy because I was out with friends or listening to good music, but I didn't really feel it. My emotions were simply settings on a switch with nothing substantiating them. And it was a very empty and hollow feeling.

So back to my main point. The oscillations started to grow in September, but it wasn't until New Year's Eve that they almost grew out of control. I had started to feel real emotions again. I was feeling happy or sad without even realizing I had flicked the switch. And now, it's almost like I have no control over how I feel. There is something terrifying yet reassuring about it. It is terrifying because I couldn't predict how I would feel the next minute. Or the smallest things would cause my mood to swing between two extremes. But it was refreshing because I started to feel like a human again, not some sort of android devoid of feelings. When I feel happy, I feel it in my skin, flesh, and bones. And when I feel sad...well, I don't actually feel sad, it's just a deviation from the happiness that I'd rather feel. Maybe my statement earlier about bad things being double plus ungood was slightly exaggerated. Or perhaps not. I definitely remember feeling really shitty one day near the beginning of January. It was one of the shittiest days I'd had in a long time. But in retrospect, there wasn't anything particularly horrible about it. All the issues that were bothering me were resolved quite quickly and in a satisfactory manner.

Now that I think about it, there really was no reason for me to do this huge LiveJournal-style rant. Usually when I write emotional rants, I get all depressed and sad when I reveal all the flaws and holes in my life. But not recently. Writing has made me feel like I've lifted a load of my shoulders and they usually lead me to a happier place. This is totally weird. Writing is both soothing AND uplifting.

I'm going to stop now because my main purpose for writing this entry has been lost.
posted by Pi at 10:06 PM |