In the Beginning: A Radio Play
©2000 Zhan Huan Zhou
Narrator: In the beginning the earth was without form and void. But there were Jim and Bob.
Jim: You know Bob, it's the Big Guy's Infinith birthday soon. We'd better get him something special this time.
Bob: To tell you the truth Jim, I forgot.
Jim: You can't forget you idiot, we're omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent.
Bob: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Jim: You can't forget!
Bob: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Jim: You can't... Ah, forget it!
Bob: I thought you just said I can't forget.
Jim: Never mind! We've got more important things to worry about. He's turning Infinity soon and we still don't have a gift.
Bob: Didn't he turn Infinity last year too?!? We didn't get him anything special then.
Jim: True enough, but we've got to do something extra one of these times. Turning Infinity has a major impact for the rest of your life, you know.
Bob: I guess I'm just not quite old enough to appreciate that special number. Any suggestions, Jim?!?
Jim: I've been thinking about this the first time he turned Infinity and I still don't have any idea. Wait...
Bob: Uh-oh. You're getting that look on your face.
Jim: What look?
Bob: You know, that look you get when I'm about to say that you're getting that look on your face.
Narrator: At that exact moment, by some force of the universe, two clouds inside of Jim's head violently collided causing large scale static discharge and precipitation in his head.
Jim: I just had a brainstorm.
Bob: I've heard of localized showers before, but this is ridiculous.
Jim: How about a transparent glass ball filled with billions of bright, burning balls of gas. That would look absolutely beautiful.
Bob: Yeah, but it would be wasting an awful lot of energy. How do you plan on generating that light?
Jim: Well, the best way I think is to take two atoms and smash them together. We've already been using it for fireworks ceremonies for the a few billion years. Why not for this too?
Bob: Great idea. How long do you think it'll take.
Jim: My guess is a few million years.
Bob: But won't He be older than Infinity by then?!?
Jim: Didn't they teach you anything in minor deity school? Let's get started, we've got a lot of work ahead of us.
Narrator: And so, Jim and Bob started the monumental task of building billions of bright burning balls of gas. A few million years later when the project has neared completion...
Jim: Doesn't she just look beautiful? Look at those stars shining, twinkling. Wait a minute, what's that piece of dirt floating around in there, and that and that... BOB!!
Bob: Well, uh...It's not my fault really. I was at the beach one day and after that, I decided to come here to take a look. My sandals were bugging me because there was so much sand in them. And, well, as I took them off, whoosh, all over His present. I didn't think you would notice.
Jim: Well I did notice. What are we going to do now?
Bob: Actually, I was thinking what I could do just in case you found out. You know those TV mail-in offers for vacuums?
Jim: I know them, the only industry where the phrase "You Suck!" is actually complimentary.
Narrator: Little did Jim know, "You Suck!" has been used in place of "I like your shoes" by the inhabitants of the 48-Omega-Alpha sector in the 0th dimension long before he had become an entity of the universe. But he would have known that if he paid more attention in minor deity school.
Bob: Actually Jim, "You Suck!" has been used in place of "I like your shoes" by the inhabitants of the 48-Omega-Alpha sector in the 0th dimension before long you became an entity of the universe. But you would have known that if you paid more attention in minor deity school.
Jim: Oh all right, maybe I wasn't the goody two shoes I always make myself out to be, but that's not the point.
Bob: What is your point?
Jim: My new mechanical pencil. It's been poking me through my shirt pocket all day, even with the pocket protector I got from Galaxy Discount.
Bob: Hey, I thought I was the only one allowed to use stupid puns.
Jim: You're right. Let's get back to our proper roles before anyone notices. What was your plan with the vacuums again?
Bob: I figure that if we order a few million of them, we could have His present all fixed up by his Infinith birthday.
Jim: I'll order them right now. What's the number?
Bob: 1-800-YOU-SUCK. Guaranteed next day delivery.
Narrator: Unfortunately for Jim and Bob, the length of a day had not yet been defined. Fortunately, 24 hours after Jim made his order, the vacuums arrived thus, defining the length of a day. Unfortunately, the hour had not yet been defined so the time duration a day was still indeterminate.
Bob: Wow! These got here quick. Within a day, just like they said.
Jim: Don't just stand there, start sucking.
Narrator: Jim and Bob unpacked their millions of vacuums and started cleaning the mess Bob had made eons ago. Suddenly, Jim and Bob accidentally crossed each other's line of vacuum. At that cataclysmic moment, the universe changed. The manual for the USUCK-99 specifically states that crossing one or more lines of vacuum will have cataclysmic results. Jim and Bob let go of their vacuums and watched in astonishment.
(Insert loud mechanical and scary electrical sounds from malfunctioning vacuums here)
Bob: Jim, what's happening?
Jim: I don't know! It appears as if all of the vacuums are sucking each other in. I think our gift for him is about to implode. Run for cover.
Bob: Look at that, everything is caving in. I don't know if the vacuums were designed to handle so much sucking. With all that energy stored there, we can probably expect a Big BangTM any moment.
Narrator: Bob was right. Exactly 3.14159265358979323846264338... seconds after Bob made his prophetic remark a Big BangTM appeared. The universe was forever changed.
Bob: (Sobbing) We've ruined everything. The vacuums are useless now, all tangled up in His gift. I don't think we can ever get them out. It looks like they are permanently embedded in his gift. What are we doing...
Jim: Hold on a second Bob. Take a look at that.
Jim: It's as if those vacuums are strong enough to suck light. Get the light hose and sprinkle it.
(Insert sprinkler type sounds here)
Bob: (Getting more excited) And look. If it gets sucked in that hole, it comes out of that one over there on the other side in an impossibly short time span.
Jim: Yeah. The vacuums look like a bunch of holes the worms crawl through. And those holes look so black.
Bob: I think the Big BangTM did something screwy with the way things work in there. Look at that piece of dirt there. There's even some amino acids forming. Who would have thought that would be possible after a Big BangTM.
Jim: I don't see it.
Bob: It's by that yellow fireworks over there. There's nine large objects circling it. Four pieces from my sandals on the inside, four larger bubbles of gas and a tiny bit of dirt going around in a really weird pattern. It looks like something got broken between the fourth and fifth objects. Must have been the Big BangTM.
Jim: I see it now. Those amino acids are pretty pathetic. You think you're pretty smart don't you? Do think you'll ever make it to a protein? And even if you did, what use is that? Pretty useless without nucleic acids. You'll never make it anywhere. Just a bunch of worthless atoms.
Bob: What did you just say?
Jim: Huh?!? Oh. I said just a bunch of worthless atoms.
Bob: But this is a special group of useless atoms. Let's give it a name. How about 'Adam?'
Jim: But 'Adam' sounds just like every other atom.
Bob: No, NOT like every other atom. Like ev..., ev..., EVE!
Jim: You're talking gibberish Bob.
Bob: No I'm not. Another group of amino acids just formed. I'm naming the first one Adam and the new one Eve.
Jim: Bob, they're just two useless amino acids sitting on a piece of dirt from your sandal.
Bob: Not just any piece of dirt. THE Dirt!
Jim: Umm. Bob...
Bob: You're right Jim. That does sound bad. How about something like, like, The Earth! That's it! The Earth!
Jim: What do you think the Boss is going to say of all this naming of amino acids and pieces of dirt?
Bob: I think it's kind of cute actually. Adam and Eve, in a primordial soup.
Jim: Personally, I think "Garden of Eden" sounds much better than primordial soup.
Bob: Where did you come up with such a silly name?
Jim: I found it in a book called "The Bible" or something
Bob: You can't just randomly copy names from books, that's plagiarizing. I like it.
Narrator: And so, the first recorded instance of plagiarism occurred, setting the precedent for countless generations of students to come. In fact, if Jim and Bob had not plagiarized, this radio play might not have even been written in the first place. At this point, you are probably asking yourself how a mere narrator could know all of this. Well, I'm not only the narrator, I'm also a client. What I mean is that I am also, Jehovah, the Almighty, <some unpronounceable 'Ch...' Hebrew sound> to the Hebrews, God Himself. That is I. Let's drop in on Jim and Bob and see what happens.
(footsteps of God descending stairs)
God: Hi Jim, hi Bob.
Jim & Bob: Hello Sir.
Jim: What are you doing back so early?
God: I heard that you had some sort of gift for me.
Jim: Uh, yes Sir, we do. Unfortunately, it is not quite completed yet.
God: Nonsense, I'm sure it's wonderful. Bring it out.
Bob: Yes Sir.
(Sound of door opening and closing as Bob leaves and returns a few seconds later.)
Bob: Here it is Sir. Jim and I made it from scratch. I hope you like it.
(Sound of God unwrapping his present)
God: This is the most f*cked up universe I've seen.
Jim: Uh, excuse me Sir?
God: This is the most f*cked up universe I've seen. I mean, even Heather and Mary made a better one, and they're girls.
Bob: Are you saying that you already have one of these, Sir?
God: I have hundreds, maybe thousands of them stored away somewhere. I've seen some pretty bad ones before, but this one is rock bottom. What's with all the dirt, trapped light, and especially this silly amino acid and protein stuff?
Bob: Well, that one is Adam and that one over there is Eve. They can replicate.
God: They can?
Bob: Of course they can. Look at them right now.
All: Ooh! Aah!
God: Now that's cool. I'll have to set it on my coffee table. I'll bet even Allah and Buddha will get a kick out of this.
God: And with that, Adam & Eve
} while (still horny)
And so the earth was eventually populated
New voice: When did the Christians come?
God: That's for a different night, son. Good night Jesus.
Jesus: Good night Dad.
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